Blackbird

All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Things that I have

When I moved to Umea, I left many things behind. I left my apartment and it's beautiful view. I left the house I shared with Ana. I left my clothes, my furniture, my paintings, my postcards and my life.

So what do I have here?

I have a green duvet cover that reminds me of spring when it's not here. I have some posters that give me colors when everything is dark or grey. I have a scarf that a friend brought all the way from Indonesia just for me. I also have pictures of the people I love and they are up in the wall in front of my bed so that I can see them every day.

I have a small TV and a little potted plant with purple flowers. I have knitting books to help me make things for the people I love, an occasionally for me. I have winter boots and spring boots, and coats and sweaters. And I have a plate full of oranges so that I can just have one when I feel like it.

I have a glass of wine I got at Ikea for 10kr and a little tea-candle holders that make my room seem like there are a tens of stars here, warming my night and lighting the dark.

And soon I'll have to leave all of them behind again and start collecting new things and fill them with meaning and love. Every time I do it, it gets harder... and every time I feel like I need my life here more. I wonder why out of so many things that I chose to leave behind, I thought to bring my fear with me?

Hands

Hands are one of the most beautiful part of the human body. We dress them up with rings and nail polish to try to make them look better but there is just something so warm and soft about a pair of freshly washed hands that makes them seem so earnest, so real. The kind of hands that are a little red from all the washing, are the ones that I like the best right now. You can always tell if someone washes their hands a lot because no matter how much lotion you put on them afterwards, the palms always look red and the nails always look wet. Working in a public health department and being surrounded with physicians and nurses, I can see red-palmed-scrubbed-clean hands all the time. They are all so different, but they all kind of look the same at the time.

It makes me wish I was artistic (aka, had any talent other than singing out of tune when no one is around) to draw them, to play with clay and make them. Instead, I watch and try to remember how they make me feel: taken cared of and safe. It's always the littlest things that do that, isn't it?

Running my time away

My knees are sore. My calves hurt I have to do about twice as much laundry as I had to do before. I also seem to have developed a new found appreciation for those tight running pants and I always make sure I have a ton of bananas in my fruit plate at home.

What has happened to me? I'll tell you: I have been running all semester long. I got my self a little training app for the phone and I do what it tells me. It basically tells me when to run and for how long to do it... and it lets me manage my own speed. It's been really nice and I can see how my days have changed since January.

But there is always a but and I can tell how it's eating away at the rest of my life. This week I have to plan around doing that silly 90min run on Friday and still being alive enough to bike to my friend's house. I won't complain though. I figure that I'll burn so many calories doing those 15K that I figure I'll run that I can totally suck on a sugar cane and still be good.

Secretly, that's what I like the most about running: all the chocolate and candy I can eat and burn :)